Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records, South Africa

Okay, this is cheating a bit, as they are not my students. However, all of these authors were students, sometime, somewhere...

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Words gone wrong

Write a sentence each for five of the following words in which the meaning of the word is clearly shown: psychosis, marginal, neurologist, hypothesis, corporal, dexterous, psychiatrist, perspective.

• She told me about her marginal friend and I asked, where is you friend? She said he is in my mind.
• After the mistake we did, she gave us corporal punishment because what we did was too bed.
• The psychiatrist was able to help manage with his metal problems. (ed - Yes, metal).
• He is busy cheasing after children because of his psychosis.
• The lecturere requested the student to go and redo his work as his writing was not marginal apparently. Then student began on the far right of the page. (ed - Hope this satisfied the nitpicking lecturere).
• The neurologist prepared him for surgery to remove his brain tuma.
• After suffering a mental break down Siswe went to see a psychologist for a psychosis.
• Hypothesis is that shrimp has pigament due to the colour of alge they eat.
• The woman took her two sons to neurologist to confirm their date of circumsition.
• The neurologist had told him that this spinal cords were inconact with his vertebral dicks and would cause him pain.
• When you need opparating they give you psychosis to numb the body so that they can opparate in peace.
• My uncle is a corporal in the South African Army, he is responsible for the whole body unit of Gauteng. (ed - Anything is possible)
• The psychosis is that that animal is going to be outraged when we take away it's child.
• A neurologist is almost like a dermitologist, but he/she specializes in face wash and cream (ed - This neurologist is a jack of all trades)
• Disorders people like dexterous as they are good with it.
• The plumber used perspective to prevent the water from flowing out of the plastic pipe that was transporting water.
• A corporal is an action relating to the body. e.g corporal punishment where a person is being punishement by being bitten.
• What happened to my friend Wandile was dexterous that it left him bruised for life.
• The neurologist was unable to save Lerato when she had a broken nerve, hence she died. (ed - well, yes, he's only supposed to deal with face wash and stuff...)

Brokenback Mountain

A student's final thoughts on Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain":
"In the end there on the mountain, green as a tree, there were no men, only non-human sheep and love birds."

Another student:
"Films like 'Crash' give as a colonoskopic view of colourful life."

Now you know where a new generation of filmatists come from.

Die interpretasie van grense...

Die woord “Periferie” (grens, rand, geïsolleerde area) is telkens – reg deur die jaar – verduidelik en in die klas gebruik...
Vraag in `n klastoets: Maak `n sin met die woord “Periferie” sodat die betekenis van die word duidelik na vore kom:

1. Die periferie wat ek het van Koos is goed.
2. My pa pas perifirie toe deur sy dokumente te perifireer, sy handtekening aan te toon op dit.
3. Die prokereur het gevra dat ek op al die papiere van die kontrak sal periferie.
4. Indien ek by `n klub wil aansluit moet ek die nodige dokumente invul.
5. Die periferie was vandag van geen gebruik nie.
6. Periferie die nodige inligting, voor jy met jou taak kan begin.
7. Die ander naam vir Plakkerskampe kan ook Periferie wees.
8. Die periferie van mense verskil van persoon tot persoon.
9. Sy is periferie oor haar nuwe huis!

And here we go again

Students had to write a newspaper article on terrorism and South Africa. This is but one example:

Even though international officials regard SA as an Terosist Zone but we the awea ar society about that, Gilder said. Afghanistan and Iraq a the one of oure iffect and we will put that under are control. It will not an easy process because aure Country do have Muslim community.

Writing for an televised interview: we welcomes our specially guest…

AFRIKAANS:

Vraag: Wat is `n geoloog?
Antwoord: `n vroue dokter / iemand wat met vroue dele werk.

Vraag: Wat beteken ‘Post’ in postmortem, postmodernisme?
Antwoord: Dit beteken vóór iets gebeur.

Die verhoging van elektrisiteitstariewe is `n kwylpunt (ipv kwelpunt, natuurlik...)

Na aanleiding van `n opsomming oor `n modeparade in die Voortrekkermonument, het Engelssprekende studente soos volg geskryf:

Die direksie is baie simpateties...
Hierdie beelde word baie as senotaaf beskou (?!)
Die direksie span glo ook dat kinders hierdie nuwe beeld geniet.
Apartheid is siestog, want dit seermaak die mense...
Dit is trou (waar...)...
Ek onderstaan (verstaan...) hoe hy voel...

Enough for today...

Some more

Yet again Ours have graced us with answers that can make you cry. Whether it's cry with laughter, frustration or fear for the future; I don't know that's up to you, all I do is show what we get.

Xenophobia is an unnatural fear of spiders, which xenophobic would run away if they see a spider moving in an opposite direction.

What does the 'mort' in 'mortician' mean: living/ killer/ mother/ butterfly

What does the 'corp' in 'corporal punishment' mean: punishment by death

Give one word meaning 'to chop off a head': caputout/ amputate

A heart specialist is called a: gronologist / geologist

What is a pseudonym? a word/ disease/ small finger-like projections growing out of rocks/ a kind of locomotion
Pseudonym means the ability to use your feet in the same way you use your hands.

‘Lux-‘ as a prefix refers to: soap

If you quote somebody in an assignment, what information do you need to give directly after the actual quotation? Their name, birthdate and year they died.

What is an 'Emollient':

An animal with a lot of fur

Somebody who sets difficult exams like this but wants students to pass.

A small depressed person, a depressed person of small stature

Is a person who is trained to take care of small children

If I fail will you forgive me and give me another chance to improve?

Is a person who talks non-stop

Is someone who studies about people’s emotions

An excrete of the body

An engineer

Is a small animal which symbolizes a bigger picture

Someone who is emortal

An animal from Australia

A person who is lient or emoll

A student who is feeling disappointed because he did not revise the parts he thought were useless only to find that they were more than 25% in the exam.

Emotion showing insect

The strangeness in their minds....

students... what would we do without them??

some REALLY thought-provoking answers....

8c. I enjoy getting into peoples minds and causing them to freak out whenever they see a spider: regardless of how small, far away or even dead it is!

I am ... a kidney

and my favourite so far

8b. I consist of cells, I have an active metabolism and I respond to stimuli. Which, by the way suits me fine, because a favourite pastime for my family, friends and I is to go out in a heard and graze on the fleshy plains of your skin.

I am... pubic hair