Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records, South Africa

Okay, this is cheating a bit, as they are not my students. However, all of these authors were students, sometime, somewhere...

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Words gone wrong

Write a sentence each for five of the following words in which the meaning of the word is clearly shown: psychosis, marginal, neurologist, hypothesis, corporal, dexterous, psychiatrist, perspective.

• She told me about her marginal friend and I asked, where is you friend? She said he is in my mind.
• After the mistake we did, she gave us corporal punishment because what we did was too bed.
• The psychiatrist was able to help manage with his metal problems. (ed - Yes, metal).
• He is busy cheasing after children because of his psychosis.
• The lecturere requested the student to go and redo his work as his writing was not marginal apparently. Then student began on the far right of the page. (ed - Hope this satisfied the nitpicking lecturere).
• The neurologist prepared him for surgery to remove his brain tuma.
• After suffering a mental break down Siswe went to see a psychologist for a psychosis.
• Hypothesis is that shrimp has pigament due to the colour of alge they eat.
• The woman took her two sons to neurologist to confirm their date of circumsition.
• The neurologist had told him that this spinal cords were inconact with his vertebral dicks and would cause him pain.
• When you need opparating they give you psychosis to numb the body so that they can opparate in peace.
• My uncle is a corporal in the South African Army, he is responsible for the whole body unit of Gauteng. (ed - Anything is possible)
• The psychosis is that that animal is going to be outraged when we take away it's child.
• A neurologist is almost like a dermitologist, but he/she specializes in face wash and cream (ed - This neurologist is a jack of all trades)
• Disorders people like dexterous as they are good with it.
• The plumber used perspective to prevent the water from flowing out of the plastic pipe that was transporting water.
• A corporal is an action relating to the body. e.g corporal punishment where a person is being punishement by being bitten.
• What happened to my friend Wandile was dexterous that it left him bruised for life.
• The neurologist was unable to save Lerato when she had a broken nerve, hence she died. (ed - well, yes, he's only supposed to deal with face wash and stuff...)

The Cream of the Crop

queen_Lestat: you know, the students are SO BLOODY stupid it's not funny
devSaturnine: you should seen them on the unisa message boards
devSaturnine: they form study groups to study English comprehension
devSaturnine: some white guy was like "READ motherfuckers, and buy a dictionary"
queen_Lestat: LOL

Talking about being asked stupid questions! As a student assistant – in the Academic Literacies unit of one of the renowned universities in Emzansi – I am asked nonsensical, I mean interesting questions everyday. As if I care, a student will ask: do I need to attend this workshop? This is when I start to show lack of interest in him/her attending, because it is stated in the invitation that the workshop is meant to ‘enhance his/her language and/or numeric proficiency’. Alternatively, one of Ours would call to ask what the charge fee for attending is. This is after we include the fact that ‘the workshops are free!’ in the invitation. But, Ours just do not read or, as ‘T’ puts it ‘God forbid they have to read’. I would put up a poster outside the Centre, saying: ‘the workshop has been cancelled, and has been rescheduled for Monday, the 10th of March’. However, a Super being will come to ask when the next workshop is! Another would call to say (with an American accent): can you please reserve a seat for me, for the workshop on numbers and stuff? This is confusing, since all the Quantitative Literacy workings are on numbers and stuff.
And this is from the future land surveyors and biochemists of this rainbow nation.

Introduction and Disclaimer

By now, it's pretty obvious why we have elected to start a blog. We are a society of Superheroes. No, really we are. We are the powers who can instinctively spot a spelling error, we are the powers who can also instinctively point out how stupid you are.

We are also an uber alternative secret society for whom the stupidity and the sheer lack of logic there is in the world not only annoys us, but also saddens us. We deal with some of the dumbest people the world will ever see, and we suffer through this ordeal in the hope that someday we will waltz into heaven unafraid of meeting any of Ours. Ours is a term which covers the broad spectrum of idiot which is more often than not the garden variety of First Year University student. Not only do we often sit about and wonder how these people ever found themselves in a tertiary institution, but we also attempt doing something about our increasing frustration at having to deal with more and more stupidity crossing our paths.

So what do we do? We start a blog. We rant, rave and keep the dumbness of those we encounter as anonymous. While it may be hilarious to us, our charges don't really see the funny side of the things they come up with because the irony is often lost on them. Every effort will be made to respect the privacy of the dumbass in question, although if you ever had to encounter half the people we do, you'd wonder why on earth we're bothering to afford them that courtesy. Name and shame behbee. The problem occurs when we realise with alarming accuracy that some of the people we might name and shame might literally become the president/presidentess of our Great Land. Scary hey? Not half as scary as what you might find here.

Sooo, what do you expect to find here? Well, in a nutshell:

• The powers that be (the general system/bureaucracy which employs us)
• Spelling (of the atrocious and creative kind that students throw at us)
• Grammar (see above)
• The logic is where? (this is the speciality of the menu, our students tend to possess very little)
• LOL (the funny stuff we encounter on a daily basis)
• zOMG you got to University how? (these are shocking revelations into the minds of people who somehow or the other found themselves at university when ideally they should be in Grade 5)
• The genius that is (this often overlaps with the logic is where?, but this refers specifically to students who belong to a certain department. They never fail to amaze and amuse because they do things which tend to be terminally daft)
• Excuses excuses (every teacher on the face of the earth, probably thinks they've heard every excuse in the book from the dog ate my homework to the I did my work but left my book at home. Trust me, you've not heard/seen creative until you've seen what we offer.)
• Frankly my dear- I don't give a damn (we're really nice, up to a point, give us enough grief and you get the cold shoulder)
• When words fail (pictures or the feeling of so much horror that no other tag fits as a definitive)

We aim to shock readers even more than your local version of People Magazine, we solemnly swear that everything we post here is the absolute truth as written/said/done/handed in for marks by one of Ours.

rah*

P.S.
By Order of Management:
For the future of the human race, please ensure that you do not ever breed if you don't see the funny side in the things you will read here.