Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records, South Africa

Okay, this is cheating a bit, as they are not my students. However, all of these authors were students, sometime, somewhere...

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.
• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Words gone wrong

Write a sentence each for five of the following words in which the meaning of the word is clearly shown: psychosis, marginal, neurologist, hypothesis, corporal, dexterous, psychiatrist, perspective.

• She told me about her marginal friend and I asked, where is you friend? She said he is in my mind.
• After the mistake we did, she gave us corporal punishment because what we did was too bed.
• The psychiatrist was able to help manage with his metal problems. (ed - Yes, metal).
• He is busy cheasing after children because of his psychosis.
• The lecturere requested the student to go and redo his work as his writing was not marginal apparently. Then student began on the far right of the page. (ed - Hope this satisfied the nitpicking lecturere).
• The neurologist prepared him for surgery to remove his brain tuma.
• After suffering a mental break down Siswe went to see a psychologist for a psychosis.
• Hypothesis is that shrimp has pigament due to the colour of alge they eat.
• The woman took her two sons to neurologist to confirm their date of circumsition.
• The neurologist had told him that this spinal cords were inconact with his vertebral dicks and would cause him pain.
• When you need opparating they give you psychosis to numb the body so that they can opparate in peace.
• My uncle is a corporal in the South African Army, he is responsible for the whole body unit of Gauteng. (ed - Anything is possible)
• The psychosis is that that animal is going to be outraged when we take away it's child.
• A neurologist is almost like a dermitologist, but he/she specializes in face wash and cream (ed - This neurologist is a jack of all trades)
• Disorders people like dexterous as they are good with it.
• The plumber used perspective to prevent the water from flowing out of the plastic pipe that was transporting water.
• A corporal is an action relating to the body. e.g corporal punishment where a person is being punishement by being bitten.
• What happened to my friend Wandile was dexterous that it left him bruised for life.
• The neurologist was unable to save Lerato when she had a broken nerve, hence she died. (ed - well, yes, he's only supposed to deal with face wash and stuff...)

Brokenback Mountain

A student's final thoughts on Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain":
"In the end there on the mountain, green as a tree, there were no men, only non-human sheep and love birds."

Another student:
"Films like 'Crash' give as a colonoskopic view of colourful life."

Now you know where a new generation of filmatists come from.

Die interpretasie van grense...

Die woord “Periferie” (grens, rand, geïsolleerde area) is telkens – reg deur die jaar – verduidelik en in die klas gebruik...
Vraag in `n klastoets: Maak `n sin met die woord “Periferie” sodat die betekenis van die word duidelik na vore kom:

1. Die periferie wat ek het van Koos is goed.
2. My pa pas perifirie toe deur sy dokumente te perifireer, sy handtekening aan te toon op dit.
3. Die prokereur het gevra dat ek op al die papiere van die kontrak sal periferie.
4. Indien ek by `n klub wil aansluit moet ek die nodige dokumente invul.
5. Die periferie was vandag van geen gebruik nie.
6. Periferie die nodige inligting, voor jy met jou taak kan begin.
7. Die ander naam vir Plakkerskampe kan ook Periferie wees.
8. Die periferie van mense verskil van persoon tot persoon.
9. Sy is periferie oor haar nuwe huis!

And here we go again

Students had to write a newspaper article on terrorism and South Africa. This is but one example:

Even though international officials regard SA as an Terosist Zone but we the awea ar society about that, Gilder said. Afghanistan and Iraq a the one of oure iffect and we will put that under are control. It will not an easy process because aure Country do have Muslim community.

Writing for an televised interview: we welcomes our specially guest…

AFRIKAANS:

Vraag: Wat is `n geoloog?
Antwoord: `n vroue dokter / iemand wat met vroue dele werk.

Vraag: Wat beteken ‘Post’ in postmortem, postmodernisme?
Antwoord: Dit beteken vóór iets gebeur.

Die verhoging van elektrisiteitstariewe is `n kwylpunt (ipv kwelpunt, natuurlik...)

Na aanleiding van `n opsomming oor `n modeparade in die Voortrekkermonument, het Engelssprekende studente soos volg geskryf:

Die direksie is baie simpateties...
Hierdie beelde word baie as senotaaf beskou (?!)
Die direksie span glo ook dat kinders hierdie nuwe beeld geniet.
Apartheid is siestog, want dit seermaak die mense...
Dit is trou (waar...)...
Ek onderstaan (verstaan...) hoe hy voel...

Enough for today...

Some more

Yet again Ours have graced us with answers that can make you cry. Whether it's cry with laughter, frustration or fear for the future; I don't know that's up to you, all I do is show what we get.

Xenophobia is an unnatural fear of spiders, which xenophobic would run away if they see a spider moving in an opposite direction.

What does the 'mort' in 'mortician' mean: living/ killer/ mother/ butterfly

What does the 'corp' in 'corporal punishment' mean: punishment by death

Give one word meaning 'to chop off a head': caputout/ amputate

A heart specialist is called a: gronologist / geologist

What is a pseudonym? a word/ disease/ small finger-like projections growing out of rocks/ a kind of locomotion
Pseudonym means the ability to use your feet in the same way you use your hands.

‘Lux-‘ as a prefix refers to: soap

If you quote somebody in an assignment, what information do you need to give directly after the actual quotation? Their name, birthdate and year they died.

What is an 'Emollient':

An animal with a lot of fur

Somebody who sets difficult exams like this but wants students to pass.

A small depressed person, a depressed person of small stature

Is a person who is trained to take care of small children

If I fail will you forgive me and give me another chance to improve?

Is a person who talks non-stop

Is someone who studies about people’s emotions

An excrete of the body

An engineer

Is a small animal which symbolizes a bigger picture

Someone who is emortal

An animal from Australia

A person who is lient or emoll

A student who is feeling disappointed because he did not revise the parts he thought were useless only to find that they were more than 25% in the exam.

Emotion showing insect

The strangeness in their minds....

students... what would we do without them??

some REALLY thought-provoking answers....

8c. I enjoy getting into peoples minds and causing them to freak out whenever they see a spider: regardless of how small, far away or even dead it is!

I am ... a kidney

and my favourite so far

8b. I consist of cells, I have an active metabolism and I respond to stimuli. Which, by the way suits me fine, because a favourite pastime for my family, friends and I is to go out in a heard and graze on the fleshy plains of your skin.

I am... pubic hair

Booooring Excuses

I overheard a colleague say that one of her students haven't been attending class for almost two months. When she asked him why he hasn't been to class, he said that he simply forgot about that subject...

If there's one thing that really annoys me, its students who can't even lie creatively! I wonder whether he forgets to eat too?

The students speak

Here follow a few excerpts from a certain well-known university’s very own student newsletter.

On distance education…
· Students are not happy about the current situation that they are encounting due to the fact that they are not indulged to attend full time classes. WE ALL KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO ENCOUNT PROBLEMS LIKE THESE, DON’T WE?
· Accommodation is not available for them to have a possible resting place where it is secure for students to stay in Pretoria for their studies at _______.

On future writers…
· This was a year were by most average students i.e. IT, Economics, Management etc founded themselves falling in love with poetry and writing short stories. Blessed with the heavenly gift, the three earthly angels Patient, Zweli and Jazz gave birth to Oceans Therapy poetry session well known as OT. Even thou the founders are not 100% involved lately due to their studies, we are proud to say that “______” is one of the universities that has and still continuing to produce the best poets and writers. SJOE, REALLY?

On striking, injustices and wherebys…
· The South African students’ congress (SASCO) converged on a peaceful march on the 12 of March 2008 whereby they handed their memorandum to the department of education.
· The unavailability of the minister posed questions to the students whereby they allege that she is not taken them serious. I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY…
· For two weeks students have been narrating their frustration in arms and stomping feet at their premises of higher education.
· Vandalism is administered by the patriarchs of their SRC.
· Some students believe lectures should not blame students for taking unauthorized vacations during this chaotic time
· It is said that students aren’t getting benefits from their study loans and their credit contracts are not well explained to them as to future payment. Those who are failing their subject are cut of from obtaining loans. THE BLOODY CHEECK!

On condomising…
· Ladies and Gentlemen: safety comes first but if you can’t help it BUTTLE-UP for your protection, because it might be a bumpy ride that can take your life.
· The condom phenomena have got a lot of issues that need to be taken into concentration. OKAY, CONCENTRATE REALLY HARD NOW.
· Condoms are dominating in our nation today. I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ANC?

WTF?
· Are the critical periods of students requisition really dissipated?
· In the history of fraud, the universities of South Africa have caught students with fake matric certificates. They discovered 21 registered students. The ice breaking issue has been going all over the country concerning this matter.
· ________is the University of High Professionals where this kind of fraud will never be accommodated to the end of endless education TO INFINITY AND BEYOOOOOOND!

Out of Ours thumbs!

Ours recently wrote a test and you can see quite clearly where the gods of brains must have mistook their thumbs for their heads. This is the reason for some of the answers, or it is the reason I am clinging to for the sake of my sanity (which is low at the moment).

Question: Give the word class for "your"
Answer: Abreviate noun. Preposition.
Question: Give the word class for "microbes"
Answer: Micro-organism
Question: Give the word class for "Louis Pasteur"
Answer: Person

Question: What are two ways in which words are formed.
Answer: Words are formed by scientists
Words are formed by alphabets

Question: What is an uncountable noun?
Answer: It refers to many things not just one specific.

On the whole you have to give them credit for their creativity but on the other hand you have to wonder about the "hope of the future" that gets questions like this wrong...

The Cream of the Crop

queen_Lestat: you know, the students are SO BLOODY stupid it's not funny
devSaturnine: you should seen them on the unisa message boards
devSaturnine: they form study groups to study English comprehension
devSaturnine: some white guy was like "READ motherfuckers, and buy a dictionary"
queen_Lestat: LOL

Tracey says:

God's will

Thinking outside the box?

Obstacles to education

Bond, James Bond

I have to admit, I can't see why this is wrong...

Talking about being asked stupid questions! As a student assistant – in the Academic Literacies unit of one of the renowned universities in Emzansi – I am asked nonsensical, I mean interesting questions everyday. As if I care, a student will ask: do I need to attend this workshop? This is when I start to show lack of interest in him/her attending, because it is stated in the invitation that the workshop is meant to ‘enhance his/her language and/or numeric proficiency’. Alternatively, one of Ours would call to ask what the charge fee for attending is. This is after we include the fact that ‘the workshops are free!’ in the invitation. But, Ours just do not read or, as ‘T’ puts it ‘God forbid they have to read’. I would put up a poster outside the Centre, saying: ‘the workshop has been cancelled, and has been rescheduled for Monday, the 10th of March’. However, a Super being will come to ask when the next workshop is! Another would call to say (with an American accent): can you please reserve a seat for me, for the workshop on numbers and stuff? This is confusing, since all the Quantitative Literacy workings are on numbers and stuff.
And this is from the future land surveyors and biochemists of this rainbow nation.

The Legacy of Karl Marx

Students had to paraphrase a short passage on Karl Marx. Some of their sentences make no sense whatsoever, while some students prove to be very creative by making up words as they go along:

“Karl Marx contributed towards understanding Christianship [sometimes referred to as Christianality]. Religion can refer to ‘the opium of the people’ [sometimes referred to as the opinion of the people]. He believed that promising Christian ideals were used to proletariat.” (Whatever he means by that…)

“His seeing was part responsible for the understanding of Christian faith.” (This one obviously read Das Kapital)

“Karl Marx attributed towards the undergoing of faith in Christianity”

“To be over critical and judgive and prejudive”

“A piece was wrote on Christianity”

When asked to explain where the term “scapegoat” came from, one student wrote:
“On one goat all the sins were thrown and the other goat were offered to God.”

My first contribution is in no way profound, neither should it be. I basically just have one statement: If Homer J Simpson can work at a nuclear power plant as a safety controller, EOT students can work at ESKOM! And not endanger us all… (I’m being very optimistic…)

Sometimes you can forgive students for their silly mistakes, but then there are those super-human beings that come up with questions or sayings that should be pretty obvious. According to the Oxford Dictionary (something most students don’t seem to know) the word ‘obvious’ means “easy to see, recognize or understand”. And yet I am asked whether they should add their names to their essays (how else am I to allocate any marks to your name?) and some of them expected me to read a graph to them during a test. I was equally stunned when my Afrikaans students didn’t know who Martin Luther was and, far worse, they didn’t know what a Calvinist was. It’s like a Baptist that doesn’t know what a Baptist is… They seem to think that Ingrid Jonker, Breyten Breytenbach, MP van Wyk (sic) and Antjie Krog are singers and they spell Shakespeare as two words.

My students are also under the impression that the Angolan war of the seventies and the Anglo Boer War at the turn of the previous century is the same thing. And according to them Desiderius Erasmus – the greatest humanist in Western History – wrote his most famous book during the Second World War, despite the fact that he died in 1536.

As I’ve said, you can forgive them certain mistakes, especially in the light of our new school system, but the fact that they have no desire to know more, and God forbid they have to read, scares me. What will they teach their own children when they know nothing themselves? It truly worries me that young people who study at a tertiary institution have very few opinions and no desire to learn anything, unless it’s prescribed. And even then they think they’re wasting their time. When I think about universities in general and how they used to be places of protest and revolution, especially if you consider the French and American universities in the sixties and seventies, it surprises me that we have thousands of students who are simply numb with stupidity. And their legs buckle under the weight of their huge lack of interest.

It disturbs me even more when you have students who actually study important things like teaching, medicine or engineering and who can’t really think for themselves or read or write or calculate or argue a point properly. These are the people who will educate the minds of tomorrow, who will build our bridges, who will write “intellectual” articles in the Sunday newspaper.

But do I really need to be concerned about the state of brainlessness we encounter daily? After all, Homer hasn’t blown up Springfield just yet. Though he’s been pretty close…